Stepmomming Post 1: The good part about being a stepmom

When I was first planning to become a stepmom, I scoured the library and the web for helpful information. I was like a first-time parent devouring What to Expect When You're Expecting. Obviously, neither biological nor stepparents can fully prepare themselves for the reality of what's to come, but we sure are determined.

I read everything there was to read till I started running out of search terms for Google. Then, one day, sick of all the negativity out there (and, when it comes to stepparents and stepparenting, there's a lot), I tried out a new question on Google. "What's the good part about being a stepmom?" And you know what comes up? "10 Brutal Truths About Being a Stepmom." "The Six Hardest Things About Being a Stepmom." "Life As a Stepmother is No Fairytale -- I feel sorry for my wife." (Not that these articles aren't helpful; it's super important as a stepmom to be in touch with reality.) When I did find someone listing a few good things about being a stepmom, it was usually just about how you didn't have to do the dirty work of parenting and could escape the chaos of kids at your convenience. Hardly a consolation prize for a group of women who usually would rather just gain insider status in their own families.

So I set out to discover just what it was about stepmomming that was "the good part."

I'd read about all the crap. I'm not going to bother listing all the many difficult parts about being a stepmom. They're everywhere. I'm going to iterate the nutshell version here. 

Sometimes it seems that all the world's sympathy is reserved for the other members of the family. Dad is a wounded creature, broken and betrayed by loss, saddened by the absence of his children. The kids, no less, experience the brokenness of their family on a daily basis, and who knows what fathomless wells of pain in their lives will misguide them into future missteps and suffering? Mom just wants to do what's best for her children, and just who does this Fake Mom think she is, anyway?

Enter Stepmom. Too often, this newest member of the family ends up taking on the burden of a divorce she never experienced. Too often, the stepmom takes on all the hardship and drudgery of parenting with none of the connection and reciprocation biological parents usually experience.

Moreover, the advice we're given is often contradictory. Don't act like you're the "real mom," but treat the children as though they were your own. Don't let the ex-wife into your life, but befriend her. Assert yourself and participate in decision-making, but keep your opinions to yourself. Put the children first, but put your marriage first (put your marriage first, by the way; it's more vulnerable).

It took me a long time to work out what the good part of all this is. And then it hit me. The good part about being a stepmom is that -- hang on. I feel like I need a disclaimer here. You are not going to be excited about this, fellow stepmom. Before I dump this revelation on you, let me elaborate once more on the negative side. I give you the perfect illustration of stepmomming:

I mean, that really sums it up.

Okay, are we ready now? The good part about being a stepmom is that you have an especially unique opportunity to grow as a person.

I'm not kidding.

Hopefully, you'll allow me to explain further in a few more posts. For now, I'll just explain by saying that a) it's only in the midst of hardship that we are truly able to develop character, and b) being a stepmom, to those who are open to the opportunity, can propel you further in your pursuit of self-actualization. The alternative is to lapse into codependency. Your choice.

In other words, you, Stepmom, have an opportunity to grow and develop your selfhood, to engage in a fulfilling relationship with yourself, and by doing so to curate more healthful relationships with the others around you and, should you so choose, with God.

I'm not an expert by any means, but these are my thoughts and the results of my meditation. I've been guided in my own experience by a few helpful books: Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life and With Open Hands by Henri Nouwen; Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend; and Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self by Charles L. Whitfield.

I hope to contribute to the conversation surrounding stepmotherhood in a way that is uplifting and encouraging. There's so much information out there that, although it helps us to understand our situation and offers us a modicum of sympathy, emphasizes the aspect of suffering and gives little to no guidance on attaining peace in our lives and relationships.

I'll end with a familiar prayer from Reinhold Niebuhr that's helped me through some of my stepmomming struggles, one day at a time.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.