Stepmomming Post 2: The Solitude of the Heart

As stepmoms, we often find ourselves dried up, used up, drowning in a chaotic sea of other people's problems. Our family's issues loom large and threaten to overwhelm us.

We feel lost.

Whether you're a stepmom or not, it's important to ask yourself from time to time where your sense of well-being comes from. Does your contentment depend upon your circumstances, or do you have access to a source of peace within yourself? Does it respond only to events and people outside of you, or does it flow from the depths of your inner life?

If our sense of well-being is dependent upon what is outside of us, we soon spiral into discontent. We absorb what is around us and what is not ours, and our lives feel chaotic.

But when our sense of well-being depends on the depth and richness of our own inner lives, we have available to us a source of peace disentangled from the way others treat or mistreat us, disentangled from the inevitable daily ups and downs we face.

It's so easy for stepmoms to lose hold of this inner peace. It's not uncommon for stepmoms to feel like they're on a roller coaster, like their lives are chaotic, and like everyone else's needs come before their own. Worst of all, stepmoms sometimes feel as if they've lost a sense of who they are. Stepmomming can be a real confidence-suck.

All of these feelings are quite real and often quite valid. In an attempt to navigate our turmoil, most of us fixate on our circumstances and on the behavior of those around us, but focusing on what is outside of us usually does very little to alleviate our pain.

When we start feeling lost in our situations, we need to take a step back and turn our focus inwards. Much of our pain stems from a loss of connection with ourselves, from being out of touch with our inner lives. Reestablishing this connection is the first step towards taking responsibility for our own contentment, and taking responsibility for our own contentment is the only path towards finding a source of peace and well-being within ourselves, independent of the chaos that may surround us.

Taking responsibility for our well-being can look different for different people, but it ought to include some commitment to solitude. Some people might prefer to take long walks; others might prefer to keep a journal.*

Actively seeking solitude can be a frightening task for anyone, but it can be especially difficult for stepmoms who feel that the only solution to their loneliness and isolation is to devote more and more of their time and energy to other members of the family in hopes of forcing a sense of belonging. We dread loneliness, crave insider status, and find it difficult to disentangle the pain of isolation from the positive and fulfilling experience of solitude. The modern world, moreover, is full of distractions, making it even more difficult to create a sacred space for introspection and rest. We need to find what Henri Nouwen describes as "the solitude of the heart."

He writes in Reaching Out, 

Often we go to good men and women with our problems in the secret hope that they will take our burden away from us and free us from our loneliness. Frequently the temporary relief they offer only leads to a stronger recurrence of the same pains when we are again by ourselves. But sometimes we meet and hear that exceptional person who says: "Do not run, but be quiet and silent. Listen attentively to your own struggle. The answer to your question is hidden in your own heart."**

It can be difficult, with so many distractions at hand, to neglect our inner lives, seeking only to stifle the pain within and around us. But it's only by confronting ourselves in our solitude that we begin the healing work we so desperately need. It's only by practicing solitude and tending to our inner lives that we will begin to remember who we are and to cultivate a well-being that seeps out into the world around us. 

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*If you have difficulty beginning a journal, I have two suggestions. 1) Write a list of things you like. Maybe it sounds a little silly, but this can be an incredibly life-giving meditation. Write anything you like -- sunshine, amber, kittens, et cetera. 2) Practice free writing. Write without restrictions and grammatical conventions, ignoring errors of any kind. Write the thoughts that come to you as they come to you. There is no need to construct essays or to premeditate.

**I highly recommend Henri Nouwen's book, Reaching Out, in which he describes three movements: from loneliness to solitude, from hostility to hospitality, and from illusion to prayer. His meditations emerge from a lifetime of commitment to prayer and service. To date, I've read this book three times.